Being borning
I’m born and let's just say I'm not very happy. A nurse comes up to mummy and said it was a good job she had the C Suction as I wasn't in a hurry to come out. Well, duh, what would you rather do? Stay inside mummy's tummy in a jacuzzi listening to Crowded Arse, or be outside in, well, whatever this is.
17 July
Mummy and daddy are clearly nice people. They must be because we have a squatter. He walks on all four legs. He has a strange voice though. He gets fed and walks away. He has a white spot at the end of his tail. Actually he is magic too. Before I go to sleepy-sleep the white spot is no longer there, his voice is different and he looks different. I want to be him.
21 July
Mummy and daddy like playing with me. It's all weird though. About 100 times a day they change my nappy, whatever that is. Apparently they have to because I stink.
25 July
I'm confused. Today I visited the Health Visitor.
29 July
What's this? I’m in a weird place with weird people. Turns out there is a renewal with some friends. I’ve learned that mummy and daddy know them when they had a course about looking after me. Why? Look at me, I’m tiny. What damage can I do? Daddy agrees with me. He wants to leave. Apparently there is a ball game final. Most of the players in the game have long hair. Weird. And now daddy is crying. His team must have lost.
3 August
I’m worried. I’m hearing a lot of songs on the radio that are about me. Why? I’m not famous am I? There’s one called ‘Don’t you want me baby’. Daddy was singing it. Sort of. Think he needs to chill out.
5 August
God grief. I’ve just found out what other names mummy and daddy thought about. Miracle? Sunshine? Precious? [Daddy Ed: Absolutely untrue.] Ruben? [Daddy Ed: I’ll give you that one.]
7 August
Every now and then I get put in this strange chair. Mummy puts something weird in my mouth with a spoon and I suck it. Then I can leave. Why? I much prefer sucking mummy's titties.
12 August
I’ve been introduced to nursery rhymes. They are supposed to be happy aren’t they? So far a baby has fallen from a tree, an egg has fallen off a wall and a spider has drowned. Ah, here’s a happy one. Bouncing monkeys on a bed. What could go wrong?
16 August
Mummy told me that she is the bread winner in our family. Hardly surprising. She goes to Marks and Spinsters and spends 150 pounds on a loaf. Today daddy went to Morrisseys and spent 45 pence. Idiot.
20 August
Oh great, mummy has taken me to a school or something. There are loads of me everywhere. We have to sit in a circle and sing the nursery rhymes I listen to at home but with weird actions. I’m being thrown up and down and my hands are everywhere. The leader, Mauron, is really nice but she can’t sing. Neither can anyone else apart from mummy. Still, it won’t last long. Mummy’s maternal leaf is nearly over [Mummy Ed: Ha ha!].
24 August
Yay! I’ve found my joystick! It can go in all sorts of directions. Mummy and Daddy looked worried. They both said I need to be careful, otherwise my auto fire button won’t work. No idea what that means.
28 August
I’ve now met both sets of grandparents. I was told that they spoke different languages but clearly not. They both make silly sounds with their mouths and shriek. I laugh but only to be polite. I’m clearly Ingerlish.
1 September
Ingerland is run by weirdos. Every Wednesday there are people in a room going ‘rah, ray, yeah’. Daddy said they should be in London Zoo. Apparently there is an evil hippo called Boris. Not sure about that. He wants to get Biscuit done. What’s wrong with that? I don’t like London Zoo anyway. There are only three animals [Daddy Ed: it would help if you were awake for the first three hours].
5 September
Mummy and daddy met 70 years ago at a place where people pretend they can sing. But apparently they were matched because they hit the right notes or something. They celebrate this day every year. Or they used to. It's all about me now. I win.
8 September
Mummy told me about the Queen and how she ruled the world for several centuries. I suppose when you are promoted to the sky it gets easier. She's so high that no-one can see her. But she holds everyone together.
12 September
My auntie on daddy’s side came to see me. She told me something about daddy being hopeleth. Then daddy turned weird and thed the thame thing. OK, I’ll join in. I'm thcared.
Weird. The Queen is now underground. That must have been a huge fall. So much so that people are looking downwards. Where is she? I’m watching it and getting my nappy changed. Daddy is crying. He’s going in and out of the room. Mummy is laughing at daddy. She told me my bottom had made a funny noise. Weirdos.
26 September
I’m in a weird place called Zoom, where you see some people you know but they don’t really exist. I wanted to have a proper chat but guess what, all I could hear was bobbly-bobbly boo. Yee-hee! Yeah, right.
1 October
Daddy is a robot. You press one button and he speaks in a cockerny accent. Apparently everything costs something even if doesn’t. Then there is a north button. He speaks like he’s very depressed even if he isn’t. Oh, and he calls me ‘Mr Joshy Joshy’ in the style of a singer called Saggy. Whatever.
6 October
Mummy is obsessed with voice recognition called Alexi or something. You have to shout. One night she demanded chill-out music to help me sleep. The voice recognition refused and kept refusing. Mummy started shouting. Apparently this is called irony. Daddy laughed but he was even worse. He kept using the word please. Oh dear.
9 October
I feel a bit sorry for my grandparents. They speak Ingerlish but Alexi doesn't understand them. A bit snobby.
12 October
At last! Daddy is engaging with Alexi. He’s found a weird song by the Rent Shop Boys. It's called Warm and dry. Think there are nappies that advertise this. Apparently it is a quiet remixture of a real song with the same name. It starts and I instantly fall to zzzzzzz.
25 October
Yay! It’s mummy's birthday. She was born in 1922 so she’s doing very well. But I’m still the star of the show.
31 October
This is a strange day. Everybody dresses up like scary people. Even I do. And the house has to be locked three times so that no child bursts in demanding sweets. It makes sense though. Apparently children are not allowed to take sweets from strange parents. Especially Haribo.
5 November
Interesting. In the olden days there was some guy called Guy Forks who was part of a gunflower plot to kill everyone. But he was rubbish. So rubbish that everyone celebrates his failure on this day with lots of banging and magic tricks in the air. Our squatter doesn’t like it though. He hides underneath mummy and daddy’s bed until breakfast.
9 November
It's daddy's birthday. He's very excited. He visited his website called Facefriend. He wanted to know how many people loved him. Not many. He grumbled about preferring MySpaz instead. In fairness, he’s now 75 so even his friends are bored of him.
20 November
Right, so the cup thing is on again. No, can’t be. Oh, apparently it's being played in Guitar this time, where it’s really hot and stuff. Daddy said Guitar don't even like the game, so why is it being held there? The players have short hair this time. Daddy is weird when football is on. He uses the word ‘funk’ a lot.
22 November
Just found out daddy supports a team called Sarfend United. They are rubbish. Apparently the team is barely in the top 100. Why would you support them? And apparently the fans sing ‘We’re by far the greatest team the world has ever seen’. They must be thick.
Daddy likes game things on TV. They are very weird. One is called Pointless. Why watch it then? The idea is to keep scores as low as possible. So basically the audience is thick. Family Fortunes is the other way round. So if the answers are low the contestants are thick. And there is one called Countdown. Now this one is quite cool. It is aimed at old people like daddy and has lots of weird shapes being put up on a board. But the host calls it Coyntdoyn. So he’s the thick one.
1 December
So apparently we are now in the month of Cheeses. Mary was due to have a magic baby but her mate Joseph wasn’t too happy. Why? It was her choice, not his. To be fair, he ordered a donkey for her.
3 December
Weird. I keep hearing these songs celebrating Christmas but they are very depressing. The worst is by a guy called George saying he gave a girl his heart and she didn’t like it. How horrible. There’s another one about two people calling each other maggots or something. And the Rent Shop Boys have a song about families fighting around a plastic tree.
5 December
Ah, that’s better. Mummy and daddy took me to a celebration party in Stratford town. It wasn’t very good though. Apparently there was lots of banging and very loud music but I don't remember it.
7 December
Does Cheeses really exist? The aisle is not celebrating at all. Instead there is a bloke shouting ‘Yo, ho, ho’ in a red jacket and a big beard. A bit like daddy, only no-one notices him.
10 December
Ingerland lost to France and Daddy cried [Daddy Ed: Er, no I didn’t.] Arry Kane was great though. He kicked a penalty into space. How cool is that?
12 December
Ah, I've heard a positive Christmas song! We should all celebrate peace, harmony, and food in a place called Africa. Apparently Africans don't know anything about Christmas and need to be saved. Brilliant.
16 December
A group of singers are standing outside the house. They are quite good actually, so much so that we pay them. They claim we will have snow at Christmas. Daddy says it never happens. Why do we fall for it then?
18 December
Sometimes, daddy can be a poser. There are more singers. Not sure if they are the same ones. They all look the same to me. He shut the door on them last time but this time he danced out and joined them. Terrible.
We are at my auntie and uncle’s place. They don't appear to like celebrating Cheeses either. But they are cool because they got two children in one as a present. But was it a good deal? I thought twins were identical but not these two. They have a button and call me Baby Josh.
So,
the end of the year then, whatever that means. Everyone seems to love it apart
from mummy and daddy. Daddy turned the TV off. There was a programme hosted by
someone called Chools Holland. Daddy told me that the show was actually
recorded in October. If Chools can't be bothered to broadcast live then neither
will I, he said. I'm proud of daddy. Sort of.
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